Actually, I don't know how I feel.
How should one feel after deciding to step away from their career for a bit? Grief-stricken? Disappointed? Hopeful?
I’ve not got a ‘bun in the oven’ or destined for pastures new, my acting career just hasn't been going as planned recently and so I've decided to take a step back, re-group and re-think.
But oh what a hard decision it's been. Maybe I'm not weeping and wailing now because I did all my grieving during the crappy auditions and dead-end decision process. There’s been months of uncertainty, questions and dwindling self-esteem.
But if I'm not actively looking for acting work for a while then, in the words of Jean Valjean, “who am I?” Unlike Jean Valjean and his tenor tones, I don't have an answer hidden under my shirt to rip off in a reveal (trust me, I’ve tried it!)
If I'm not "Daniella the actress" then who the hell am I? I certainly don't feel as exciting or interesting anymore. And definitely not defined; instead my edges seem blurry and the colouring has spilled over the lines. Friends and family expect me to be that person, family especially have enjoyed it, so am I letting people down? I have always told aspiring actors in my columns and blogs not to make your career your world and to nurture your normal life too. Did I take that too literally? Or am I so unhinged now because, unwittingly, acting was more of my life then I realised? An Oedipus-like figure wandering in the wilderness of options. Gosh, even my analogies have become epic!
Either way I'm scared now folks. Anxious/calm/over-thinking/relieved/unsure! What if I've done the wrong thing?
I'm hoping that if I keep humming Boubil and Schonbourg’s beautiful melody long enough, one day I may rip open my shirt and find the answer.