I miss singing. My heart misses it. Not
just belting along to the radio or pottering around the house with the ditty
“If I were a flip flop where would I beeeeeeee?” (Oh c’mon we all do a little
inner monologue singing from time to time) but performance singing with an
ensemble, the lights, the orchestra and a heart-stopping libretto written by a genius.
Since focusing on becoming a secure
grown-up person my bank balance may have stabilised but my soul has depleted
somewhat. Now don’t fret folks, I’m not miserable. Not at all. I am happily
surrounded by things that make my heart swell; my niece and nephew, a new found
obsession with yoga, a bright future with my man but.......... that part of me,the
girl who sang along with Elaine Paige to “Nobody’s Side” on cassette in her
first car has been resurfacing. I’ve had to bury her away in order to get on
with things but I’m realising that you can’t keep parts of your personality
hidden away for long because they’ll become malnourished little shadows of themselves.
Think Cheryl Vander-whatshernewname and those recent tabloid pictures; my inner
performer is skin and bones in a Prada jumpsuit.
My theory is that we all nurture
little facets of our personality inside of ourselves that pop out and take the
lead at various times;
- Inner child – she still wants to be adored, has the occasional tantrum and eats too many sweets,
- Maternal lioness – she is selfless, needs to protect and care, dotes on her nephew and niece and is aware of her ticking body clock,
- Career woman – she is independent, sharp and driven, you don’t mess with her in an email row
- Reckless gal – she buys random clothes online, giggles like mad with her girlfriends and drinks tequila despite her vow never to do so again in Magaluf circa 1996,
- Spiritual yogi – she explores her connection with the universe, has a meditation app and eats Kale on purpose
At different stages of your life,
who am I kidding, at different stages of my day I can be led by any one
of these versions of me. But the whole array fit together and make up who you
are. Without the whole mix, you aren’t being true to yourself and I’m realising
that without my performer-self, (“Dani Star” as I christened her 29 years ago. Don’t
worry it makes me shudder too!) I feel unbalanced.
I think it’s part of the grieving
process to shut things away; I couldn’t set up a business whilst crying into my
Mamma Mia show shoes, but maybe now is the time to....... quote an old cliché.
Sometimes you just need old cliché, (just look at your Facebook feed for evidence
of this trend!) I need to face the music
and dance.
 |
| You know this feeling? That's what I want back |
So I’ve got a plan folks, watch this
space........
