Best to say 'Nothing At All' - Ronan Keating joins the West End

The first time I stayed at my 2003 boyfriend's house I think I scared him a bit; nothing sordid or perverse but quite shocking none the less.

We were sat in bed watching This Morning (a standard part of every actor’s routine) and Ronan Keating came on the screen chatting to Phil and Fern. I grabbed a pillow on my boyfriend’s bed and lobbed it at his blokey posh flat-screen shrieking “Urgh I HATE that man!” much to the horror and confusion of my new beaux.

Yes, I've chosen a mean photo
but I'm trying to prove an irrational point here!

And that, dear Reader, sums up my feelings for Ronan Keating. This intense feeling has no basis and is entirely irrational but it consumes me every time I see him on TV or hear that bloomin’ "Love is a Rollercoaster" song.

So you can imagine my reaction to news that Ronan Keating will be joining the cast of Once the Musical in November.

Ronan has done nothing wrong; he's never slighted my family, spoke badly to me or indeed ever met me so there is no reason why I should have such a negative reaction to him. It’s just how I feel. He makes me want to lash out and push leprechauns over.

This isn’t a post to express dismay at yet another ‘celebrity’ taking a job from an unknown talented performer.  I think the majority of us have made our peace with celebrity casting. It is the way of our world and no amount of moaning will change that. On the whole, if these ‘celebs’ are talented, can adapt to the medium and do 8 shows a week then we don’t have a problem. And many of them do and are lovely additions to a company. It is just a transition in their own careers and isn’t their fault that the industry demands thousands of Twitter followers as an ‘in’ for an audition. Don’t bitch about the celebs earning a crust, look higher to the producers.

So if Ronan is an adept musical theatre performer and he can play Guy better than any other musical theatre male or current understudy, then I shall accept the situation graciously and applaud him for getting the audiences in.

But comments like this don’t help, Ronan-

 

Being cast in a musical, “a play with music,” is an honour and a hefty challenge. He is right to be scared. My favourite Twitter response was from ‘current Guy’ David Hunter

David Hunter‏@thedavidhunterJun 6

After much speculation, I am thrilled to announce I will be joining Boyzone from November 17th. #JobSwap

 

 

Ronan is probably a nice guy and this unfounded bile I have says more about me than him. I am irrationally mean and should take Ronan’s advice and say “Nothing at all” but in the words of Pheobe from Friends “I hate that guy!”

I have yet to see Once but have heard fab things and I suspect I will try to see it before November 16^th.

Good luck Ronan, break a leg and all that, but let me tell you - if you dare use that horrid nasal vibrato on that brilliant score I shall be there in the front row lobbing pillows at you. EVERY NIGHT.

'When Enough is Enough' and 'Getting Back on the Horse' - my life in cliches

I started writing this blog last week when a 2013 survey carried out by the website Casting Call Pro released the results that over 75% of actors earned less than £5,000 last year.  46% earned less than £1,000 from acting work and just 2% earned more than £20,000. It made for happy reading but I doubt it came as a shock to actors.

Aaaargh! I didn't realise I was broke!

There has since been much analysis and opinion on these results. One suggests that there are too many drama schools churning out too many actors into an industry that cannot support them. I have to say that despite working at these institutions from time to time, I do agree with Susan Elkin’s blog for The Stage. It is wonderful to teach a room full of bright eyed eager students because it reminds me of how it used to feel to be that motivated and trusting of the industry. It is a great honour to help them progress and inspiring to share their positivity but I can’t help feeling slightly guilty sometimes because you do walk away thinking – how many of you will actually work? And how many of them will join the majority of actors earning under £5,000 per year?

There are too many of us. Only yesterday I got an email from my agent saying how quiet things are in Musical Theatre Land at the moment and we need to start working for ourselves again, sending letters to get ourselves remembered amidst the sea of graduates.

There's me - I'm the short brunette

The fact that the industry is so unforgiving and rarely allows someone to earn enough for rent in London has almost become an accepted joke. Twitter is full of talented actors/writers who post amusing audition tales and comments. Pro Resting Actress gives us daily updates on degrading castings and Kayleigh Llewellyn reflects on life in a ticket booth and yes we all chuckle in recognition and feel part of the acting clan. It is a wonderful industry but the reality is that it is hard. Really hard.

People on the outside perhaps don’t see the day to day of being a jobbing actor. They see the names in lights and the appearances on This Morning but every high is surrounded by days of counting pennies and crying into old show scores.

So what happens to the actors who are in that 75%? It’s all very well marveling at the statistics but they represent real people. Real people feeling dejected who can only survive on bar tips for so long.

A lot of actors have to give up. Normal life or the bank manager comes a-calling and you have to accept that maybe you cannot withstand the ups and downs anymore; your need for security, self-esteem or sanity become too strong.  There are not many other professions where you enter with a degree and crossed fingers accepting that there is no guarantee of progression, pay rises or pensions. 

However it isn’t a conscious decision, it happens slowly. For many actors the industry drops them before they make the leap.

The reason I dithered about this blog post is that I have had a change of heart since starting it. I was going to discuss giving up the profession, although giving it the more positive connotation by calling it ‘moving on.’  I have been going through all the struggles I’ve mentioned, not being right for anything, not getting auditions and not fitting in a casting bracket anymore.

But I was alright with it all. You know when unemployed actors have a speech prepared (complete with over-stretched grin and dead eyes) about how “it’s just quiet at the moment but they’ll be something in the pipeline.” Well I had developed a similar one saying “that I was ready to settle down, that it’s hard when you don’t look your age and well, I enjoy the teaching and it pays better than a West End ensemble wage” and I believed it. I was content.

Until........

I got an email. It’s always the smallest thing that makes you break. I had enquired about some summer workshop teaching and the reply said that they only wanted people who are currently in West End shows. That is totally fair enough but for some reason the floodgates opened and I was overcome with every feeling of failure, regret and loss of being one of those West End Wendies on a pittance! After multitudes of snotty sobs, my wonderful, supportive boyfriend (only fellow actors can understand) calmed me down and I booked new headshots and vowed to get back on the horse. (Preferably War Horse, if anyone from The Nash is reading!) A complete turnaround from the woman who was quite happy to move on a few hours ago!

This industry may be in the process of dumping me but I am not going to go down without a fight, I love it too much.

The reason why this industry is so saturated and its inhabitants are struggling along on less than £5,000 a year is that we are all infected with the same disease – we love performing. We need to perform. And it never totally leaves us.

Even when your head, bank statements and body clock scream ‘ENOUGH,’ they can never quite be strong enough to quash that annoying thing that we’ve been cultivating since we first came across Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins or a cassette of show tunes by Dave Willets – your desire.

Enough may well be enough, but not quite yet.

Living on the Never, Never - Production Companies who owe actors money

“If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it’” says my Grandad, a wise man who’s saved up all his life for things he wanted and never had a credit card.  He should advise certain enterprising theatrical producers who seem to think it’s acceptable to put on a show and cross their fingers that they’ll make enough money to pay the cast and crew.

Not a week goes by without another article appearing in The Stage describing a production company that has gone into liquidation or about actors fighting to get their wages. Circumstances like this have, sadly, always occurred within the industry but it seems to be happening with increasing regularity, not the ‘encore’ us performers yearn for.

Every time I read one of these articles I am filled with rage and transported back to the time when I was involved in a similar situation.  I was cast in a show which was being produced by someone I had met socially, LIFE LESSON WARNING KLAXON!!! NEVER TRUST A BLOKE YOU MEET IN A PUB WHEN HE SAYS HE DOING A MUSICAL!!!!! Of course actors need to network and sometimes amazing opportunities can come out of a chance meeting but please do be wary. This guy, I’ll call him Don (my writer morals demand I give him a pseudonym but you know I’d rather put up Wild West style wanted posters everywhere with his useless mug and real name emblazoned on them!) organised professional enough auditions at a reputable venue with a director and everything. Offers went out, mine was verbal but another actor signed a contract for the proposed tour and salary.

You can add your own choice of villain here!

Rehearsals were due to start and tickets went on sale at large venues. It became harder for our agents to contact Don and squeeze out any information.  He never called back.  LIFE LESSON KLAZON!!! IN WORK, AS IN BOYFRIENDS, IF THEY DON’T CALL BACK THEN THEY AREN’T TO BE TRUSTED!!!!  In my case I was still waiting for my contract when the other actor was called and told that the show was being pulled due to lack of financial backing.

I understand that this happens. I know how hard it is to secure funding. Just filling out the Arts Council application form when I was producing my own show nearly caused me a coronary and serious writing hand ache, so I do have sympathy. But if you think, Don, that you may not make it to rehearsals then don’t add a clause to your contracts saying that if you cancel the production more 2 weeks prior to rehearsals starting the actor gets half the salary and the whole salary if it is cancelled with less than 2 weeks to go. It was cancelled 12 days before rehearsals were due to start - so money was owed. Duh, Don, whata mistaka to maka!

Equity helped us chase Don to the hills and back, he rarely answered his phone or responded to emails and came out with some highly dramatic and dubious excuses. Our case was futile because once the production company was declared bankrupt we had no chance of getting anything we were owed. A similar thing happened with the Coronation Street musical 'Street of Dreams,' the creditors lost out when the company was put into liquidation. 

It is one thing to pull a show before it starts but another to not pay cast and crew after they have worked on it. To put it crudely, it’s like me enjoying a sumptuous dinner at The Ivy because I really want to only to say to the waiter when handed the bill, “Oh sorry I was hoping some money would be in my account by the time I had my coffee, but I’ve checked my account and I’m still broke so I can’t pay you right now.” I’d be in big trouble.  I don’t eat there because I know I can’t afford it and head to Pizza Express with my 2-4-1 Wednesday deal like everyone else.

There has recently been a court case surrounding actors’ claims for wages owed from the Momentous Musicals tour and outcry from professionals still owed money from The Bugle Boy tour when it plans to go out again.  I actually auditioned for this new tour of The Bugle Boy, it was the most unprofessional and toe-curling audition I have ever been to.  No standard protocol or level of professionalism that you’d expect from a normal audition. I left feeling slightly sullied and determined never to put myself through something like that again, even if it meant working as a waitress until retirement.  Apparently the producer and writer plans to pay the old cast with money raised from this new tour, so what’s he going to pay the new actors with? I.O.U slips and Monopoly money?

This is not the industry I dreamt about and signed up for. People don’t deserve to be let down or left out of pocket and they certainly don’t deserve to feel like performing monkeys who’ll do it for free.

Are these situations due to lack of money in the industry at moment? This is likely - if theatres can’t sell tickets, then auditoriums remain empty and companies don’t make enough money to cover losses or pay the cast – that chain of events makes sense and is happening within many industries.  We understand that producing is tough, many of them gamble their homes for their dreams and not everyone is lucky enough to be Sir Cam Mac. Or perhaps more producers are treating projects like modern society does credit cards?

There’s a song in Blood Brothers that goes “Living on the never, never...” meaning to purchase something on credit. It is a concept by which many of us lead our lives today ‘bung it on the credit card’ or those adverts that say you can pay for sofa in 2 years time.  We seem to want things regardless of whether we can afford them right now and are happy to deal with it later.

!!!!! PRODUCERS - PLEASE STOP MOUNTING SHOWS ON THE NEVER, NEVER !!!!  This is a respected profession where people are skilled and deserve to be treated as such. Avoiding the consequences and going into liquidation just makes me want to buy a high-end trendy juicer with my credit card and come and liquidise you - so stop it and listen to the advice of my Grandad.

Teaching Tales

As a ‘resting’ actor I have been doing quite a lot of teaching recently. I am one of the many who like to share their pearls of thespian wisdom with the young and eager.  Or in my case - the young and well-off little darlings of Surrey.

Ooooooo they are a funny bunch. 

Some are, of course, lovely but the rest are a blend of prep-doing, lacrosse-playing, ‘Miss... er-what’s your name again, Diana??-saying so and so’s!

One little missy ran up at the beginning of class this week and informed me that “Mummy didn’t send me to school today because I had diarrhea.” I managed to contain the inner screams of “Why on earth are you here then?  Get away from me you vile little person, I need my anti-bac hand gel’” and instead smiled and said “Oh poor you, take it easy today,” as I edged away from her.

In the middle of a singing warm up, another little lady shot her hand up “Do you know who Allah is?” Well, how do you reply to that mid ‘Lalalalala?’ “Ummm, yes, I do, now keep singing.”  A few exercises on, the hand pops up again, “Do you know who played Annie in the film of Annie?” I was beginning to feel like I was on Mastermind and either the metaphorical  spotlight or this child was giving me a migraine. “It was Aileen Quinn,” she answered herself proudly.  I can only presume she had been reading an encyclopaedia this week and had got up to A. I look forward to Boadicea, bunions and Barack Obama next week.

It's gonna be a long term......

In another school I had asked everyone to bring in a special picture to talk about in class.  Instead of pictures I was naturally met with a barrage of excuses, my favourite was - “I have had such a busy week and my mummy has been sooooooo busy, I didn’t get home until, like, 6 every day. I’ve just been too busy to do anything.” Thinking of my working-mum sister, friends and Dad who still doesn’t finish work until 9pm despite being over 60, I replied, “You’re 6, Tabitha, how busy can you be?”

I presume lusting after 1D is a full-time job these days (I kid you not, this girl and her classmates regularly perform a 1D song to me word perfect and discuss the merits of Harry’s love life. Let me remind you.... they are 6.) On a less cynical note, how sad is it that 6 year olds are feeling stress? I think my main concern at 6 was whether I’d have Findus crispy pancakes for tea or how my den was getting on in the garden. If they already have that awful “there’s not enough hours in the day” feeling, what hope is there?  There is a lifetime of rushing about and feeling like you are letting people down to look forward, please stay watching Peppa Pig and playing for as long as possible.

One pupil who did remember her picture described a crayon drawing that a friend had drawn her.  She said it was special because she was moving schools and she was going to miss her friends. I asked “Why are you friends with her? and this reply melted my cynical old heart, “Well, when I first met her, she smiled so brightly at me and she is always smiling and nice to me.” Is that not the best and most simple explanation of what being a friend is? A big smile can do the most wonderful things; put people at ease, get you a job, make a friend, make someone’s day or make someone fall in love with you.

So the best lesson that this teacher was taught this week was........(despite the obvious highlight of learning about Allah).......smile brightly people! It is the simplest and best way to make you and other people happy.

Show the love in February!

We made it through January! Congratulations to all who have survived tax bills, sobriety and the flu! As the calendar turns into February we look towards the festivities that it holds – namely St. Valentine’s Day.  Those pesky red envelopes have been in shops since New Year’s Day; for some it’s a romantic day to break up the grey monotony of February for others it is hell on earth.

When I was a ‘single lady’ (cue Beyonce strut and hand flick) I admit to finding Valentine’s Day a toughie, even now as someone’s ‘ missus’ there is still a minefield of expectation to navigate.  The validation gained from receiving a red envelope stems from Primary School.  Mine installed a special post box for under-age romancers (I presume it was the same one they used for Christmas but the school secretary yanked off the cotton wool snow!)  The popular kids were inundated with deliveries whilst us portly boffins waited expectantly......

Not much changed as I matured; on both occasions that I was in Les Miserables in London, I happened to be single. Note to self – dying every day and wet-wiping fake mud onto oneself mustn’t be attractive girlfriend material. One Valentine’s Day my pitying and coupled-up dressing room pals decided to send me an anonymous card at stage door, only to shatter my dreams of a ‘stage door Johnny’ romancer by admitting it was them before Act One had finished! 

The next time I reached an all-time low, even for me. Our Jean Valjean at the time was overwhelmed with love hearts and gifts from his own stage-door Johnny admirers, he didn’t need them all and so I accepted a pity donation of a dozen red roses.  I sat puffed up with pride on the train home, parading around with the pity bouquet and happy to let other less-loved commuters make up romantic tales of my life.  Pathetic!

There are better ways of dealing with being single on this overhyped day.  There is no point in getting angry about commercialism exploiting societies need for love. Don’t rant at couples through the window of your local chain restaurant; they are the ones eating mediocre steak for £30 a head.  It is just a day and love takes many forms.  A mate buying you a coffee when you’ve been rinsed by HMRC is an act of Valentine’s love.  A grandparent tucking a sneaky fiver into your fist, despite you being over 30 years old, shows they care. My nephew dancing about because he is so excited to see me fills me with more fuzzy feelings than a fifty quid bouquet.

Another act of love is sharing your talents to entertain others; so use this February 14^th wisely whether you are single or attached and head to The Alleycat on Denmark Street in London to see the wonderful Katie Brennan perform Still Single: Song of the Single Girl. There may be ‘a million love songs’ according to Mr Gary Barlow but how many songs are there for a single girl? Where better to spend the evening than in a bar with loads of talented, positive people who may even have worse dating tales than Carrie Bradshaw? Check out this link for tickets

http://www.bloodyhellbrennan.ticketsource.co.uk/

and whatever your Facebook relationship status, I wish you a lovely February 14^th full of Valentine’s love, in whichever form it may take for you. 

The Power of Soap - Hayley and Roy

Since becoming a grown up, I have not been one for soap opera viewing.  We can’t put this down to my life being an enviable social whirl but mainly due to working nights in theatre since the age of 21.

My only real relationship (obsession) with soaps was, like most children of the 1980s, with Neighbours.  I lived for 5.35pm on weekdays and I distinctly remember coming in for tea (at 6pm of course) distraught with my sister and my poor Mum trying to decipher what was wrong.  “Scott sniff gulp h-h-h-has had a row w-w-w-with sniff sniff Charlene, and we don’t know gasp, if they are going to be ok waaaaaail” Who could face chicken nuggets and alpha bites after such an emotional roller coaster?

So since then I have not let myself become emotionally involved in a soap.  Those who know me personally may think this is ironic, but I barely watch Coronation Street - until tonight.  There has been so much media interest in the euthanasia storyline surrounding the characters of Roy and Hayley Cropper that, with a free evening ahead, I thought I’d sit down and watch it.  If only to be clued up for any water cooler moments and Twitter chat tomorrow.

Well, I cannot lie to you dear reader, I am typing this to you through a veil of tears despite the episode finishing a few hours ago.  I am sure you all will agree that it was heart-wrenching, subtle, beautiful and unbearable.  I think I had my hands over my eyes at one point moaning “please don’t” to an empty living-room.

I am not going to debate the merits or dangers of tackling such a sensitive subject on primetime telly, that’s for Loose Women and The Daily Mail, but I’ll chat about it from my point of view.  The acting. 

As a theatre actress with hyperactive eyebrows and an over-expressive face, I envy any actor who can portray such depth through just their eyes.  The 1 hour episode was filled with pathos, empathy and yearning and all from two actors getting a script and making it real without the need for a number or a sparkly costume.  I believed their plight, sobbed along with half a nation and now feel emotionally drained.  That is the effect of powerful, effortless acting. 

It is easy to discount soap opera actors as ‘just playing themselves’ especially if they have been doing a character for so long. We never see the transformation and preparation that it requires. Those effortless performances, that seem so lifelike that they must only be the actor being themselves, are actually finely-crafted and nuanced.  I find that enviably, wonderful.

I am the first person to disparage members of the public who believe a soap actor really is the character they play; you know those people who bound over, screeching the character’s name and demanding a 20 minute chat and a photo.  “THEY ARE ONLY ACTORS!!!” I inwardly scream, no-one did that when I played Gavroche in Les Mis! Well, of course not because I wasn’t beamed into their homes every night. 

Tonight, I saw for the first time the power of a genuinely brilliant soap opera performance. You truly believe in the character and the stories played out to you, and you are left sobbing and bereft in your own home.  I think if I saw David Neilson tomorrow I would run over and give him a cuddle despite him buying some washing up liquid in The Co-op.

To me, that is brilliant acting, whether you are on a stage or on the front of OK! Magazine.  I may not be a soap convert yet but I think my experience tonight may encourage me lose my desire to scowl at folk who get excited to see a beloved character in the flesh.  It is a testament to a skilled actor and that is a very worthy thing to be praised.

The Hills are Alive with the sound of Re-makes

I recently was asked to write some content marketing entitled ‘Why a re-make of The Sound of Music is a terrible, terrible idea.’  Did you all know that NBC have just aired a new live version of The Sound of Music with, country & western star, Carrie Underwood as Maria? They only gave me 500 words for my opinion, which for a subject so dear to my heart, was simply not enough.  So I thought it was rather blog worthy!

Is Roger & Hammerstein’s ‘The Sound of Music’ out of date and in need of a Goq Wan make over?

Well, this NBC re-make has prompted a dramatic response in the Twitter-sphere and with Julie Andrews fans alike.  One blogger just wrote “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” for about 2,000 characters!

I have to say that I agree. We like our classic movie musicals to remain just that – classic.  I am only just digesting the news that they are making a new Annie movie after seeing a picture of Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan and Jamie Foxx as Daddy Warbucks. I respect both Diaz and Foxx, but in my eyes they can’t hold a candle to the wonderful Carol Burnett and Albert Finney. And now, Julie Andrews is being re-modelled, who’s next.......? Howard Keel?  Bless his beautiful hide - Hell, no!

I don’t think it is just us musical theatre geeks, nourished from a young age on these movies, who are the only protesters to these re-makes. ‘The Sound of Music’ is a firm, family favourite, it may provoke an eye-roll when it appears in the TV listings EVERY Christmas Day but there’s a reason for its inclusion.  It is a brilliant film.  Yahoo.com created a list of classic films that shouldn’t be touched in this era of money making re-makes, calling them ‘The Untouchables.’  They included ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘Annie Hall’ and ‘Casablanca’ and surely anything with Julie Andrews in should be on it too, (well, maybe not The Princess Diaries.)

Whose childhood soundtrack, especially in my line of work, doesn’t include the glorious voice of Julie Andrews? Carrie Underwood may have a great voice but I doubt she’ll promote the same feelings of nostalgia. We love this movie for hitch-kicks holding a guitar case, lederhosen and Liesel’s pink gazebo dress!

16 going on 17.....

Time matures and moves on. Fans of movies grow up and their tastes change. I understand this. NBC said they wanted to make their ‘Sound of Music’ appeal to a modern audience by “bringing the story up to date.”  Writer Ashley Fetter from TheAtlantic.com suggested that the disciplinarian father storyline was old-fashioned and could be updated by perhaps exploring the modern idea that Von Trapp 

“is just too heartbroken to interact with them (his children)”

 has she not seen the original film???? Christopher Plummer invented ‘intense pain behind the eyes yearning’ way before Colin Firth even donned Mr Darcy’s breeches.  Von Trapp’s repressed feelings are a modern therapists dream.

I’m not sure how well NBC achieved this premise; the promotional photos showed an air-brushed Von-Brady Bunch scene. Like many others, NBC seems to have mistaken this classic tale to be a twee and saccharine view of the past.

The non musical story of the Von Trapp is much darker and the recent production at Regents Park proved the story to be highly political. It included all the nostalgic movie touches but really highlighted the historical context.  History shouldn’t be brought up to date, it is history. New audiences should be able to understand World War II, the Nazi Party and the Holocaust in their true context and it shouldn’t be sugar-coated or made easier to digest. It was a horrific moment in history that mustn’t be dumbed down for modern audiences.

I have confidence, not just in sunshine bit also, in people. Modern audiences are not stupid and should be challenged just as people have been by culture for ‘a thousand years.’ By re-working classics are film producers suggesting that society can only able to appreciate things that are similar to our lives today? Are we too short-sighted? Or have they just run out of ideas?

The recent re-writing of Jane Austen’s novels has provoked a similar mixed reaction. Does giving the Dashwood girls social media accounts make their story more accessible?  Is it too much to hope that we can appreciate the stories of family, love and life from Austen’s own pen and without a soundtrack by 1 Direction? Writer, Elizabeth Day from The Observer brilliantly said

 “I don’t need to read about Mr Knightley listening to Arctic Monkeys in his iPod to be convinced that Jane Austen is ‘relevant.’ I already know that she is.”

I believe that the Von Trapp story is equally relevant and therefore doesn’t need modernising.  But what about the argument that a musical is ‘re-worked’ every time a new production is done on stage?

We are used to seeing different productions; we expect to see musicals on stage. Their interpretations are applauded and remembered but never as definitive as on celluloid. Films get re-watched and re-watched which can define images into our minds. Productions of The Sound of Music are nearly always loyal to tradition, you never see Maria Von Trapp leaving a detention centre and the family climbing the Pennines to escape Thatcher.

I hope this new live American version was enjoyed by a new audience but I pray that it will inspire them to watch the original.

So I say ‘So Long, Farewell’ to re-makes. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In fact, I may wear a dress made from curtains and drink pink lemonade whilst watching my favourite classic on Christmas Day in defiance! Join me!